In case you're new around these here parts and haven't made his (or her) acquaintance yet, Child Prodigy is as good an introduction as any to my cute-as-a-button adopted baby, Throbert Jr. (or Throbertina Jr.). Here, I've got a photo in my wallet... let's see, expired credit card, empty Ziploc microbaggie with white powdery residue, ATM receipt, picture of one man spooging on another's chest that I cut from from the back of a video box, photo of my dog, Five Sorrowful Mysteries of Our Lady Mary blinking 3D portrait, perpetual calendar... oh, here it is. Just be careful not to attract unnecessary attention to yourself with loud noises or sudden movements, avoid eye contact, and ideally have ready some sort of small, distracting creature like a hamster (but not a pet that you're fond of; consult the Biology Department of your local university for laboratory suppliers) in case of an emergency. Also, women who are currently attending the monthly bread-and-roses luncheon of the Red Army Ladies' Auxiliary Committee, if you know what I mean, should probably steer clear.

Open-minded Christians, and anyone interested in how some factions of the very early Church portrayed Christ, may enjoy When Baby Jesus Attacks! Though sprinkled with humor that some will find irreverent, it's actually a serious look at a couple of ancient manuscripts known as the ''Infancy Gospels,'' in which -- no joke -- Jesus sometimes comes across like one of the deadly half-alien kids from Village of the Damned. Why were such unflattering depictions of J.C. once accepted as true by many of his followers? Read the piece for my suggested answer.

TMI on my sex life (NC-17) is just what it sounds like. It's gay-themed, too. And there's talk of what goes on in public sex clubs. It's not written as pornography or even erotica, though, and there's a serious point to be made.

If you prefer good, clean absurdist humor at the expense of little old ladies, or if you've ever lived in a multi-unit apartment building with elderly tenants in rent-controlled apartments downstairs, read The Neighbor. It's dedicated to Maude (not her real name), an eccentric but wonderful old bat who always has an affectionate word for my doggy when we pass her in the hallway.

Finally, readers who are at least conditionally supportive of U.S. military engagement in the Middle East and annoyed by left-wing portrayals of America as some sort of bullying thug should check out the short piece Buffy the Mujahideen Slayer, in which I advocate a rather different perspective. (There's not really that much Buffy in it, come to think of it. In fact, she gets only an oblique reference towards the very end. But sometimes one has to go with what sells.)