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04 October 2002

Man, 28 gigabucks must buy a truckload of lung transplants. You could stock up on a bunch, keep the extras in a foam cooler full of dry ice and have a new one installed every two or three years -- I mean, after the first one you're looking at a lifetime of immunosuppressant drug therapy anyway to prevent rejection, so it's like your body's primed and ready for a fresh replacement lung to be popped in.

And, for my under-18 readers: kids, the time to start thinking about your retirement is today -- give a homeless dude forty bucks to buy you a carton of American Spirit yellows and let him keep the change. (Prices slightly higher in New York state.) It may seem like a big chunk of your allowance right now, but one of life's unbending rules is that you gotta spend money to make money.

If you're too much of a pussy to smoke, consider going into law -- did you know that litigation attorneys like Michael Piuze can take 30% or more of the punitive damages awarded to their clients? 30% of $28 billion is so much money that extremely hot people of the appropriate sex will want to pleasure you all night and let you eat breakfast off their taut torsos in the morning even though you are a non-smoking acne-scarred stoop-shouldered priss with tape on your bullet-resistant, thumbgrease-smeared glasses.

Light up!

posted by Throbert | 10/04/2002 10:53:00 PM |
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